Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be happy
When something so simple as my mother bringing home groceries can seem to upset me so much. Maybe it started before. Maybe it's just the last thing needed before I crack. The last straw. It wasn't anything she did in particular. I'd been feeling low for a while, but it just hit the bottom with her coming home while my sister and I were called to help bring in the bags.
Maybe all those poems and bits of writing we see while searching and trying to figure out what we feel ourself and how in the world we could even begin to convey it, those about being born sad. How some of us just seem to turn inward. We break more easily. We think differently and see things differently, things affect us more than others it seems. Why are we so breakable? Why are some of us sad so young? Could we really just be born that way? Just destined to turn sad early in life and spend the rest of our years wondering why, and why we're so different from others-unsure if that is really a good thing or not.
I don't care for what the reasoning would be all the time. I wish I could have had a choice in the matter sometimes, but I don't always see it as a bad thing. I do know that it is good to be different at times and it's good to have those who are different from you and don't think the same way. It challenges us all. It creates diversity and the classic reasoning of it just being oh so boring if we were to all be the same as well.
But...I just feel like I want so much more from the world. I feel like I want so much more than any of us actually get. Although...I couldn't really tell you what that would be exactly either. Just...
more. I don't mean to be selfish or greedy about any of it. I know I am better off than some others. But does that really justify it? I always hear that there are starving kids in Africa, but that does not take away the feelings I have for what I have here. I'm still sad. Does that not matter since I'm not one of those starving African children?
I don't know what I want...I just know I don't want this. I don't know how to make myself happy. I don't know how to fix it all. I want more than what I have here. I don't know how to explain what I feel at all. I feel like everything gets jumbled up when I try to put anything I'm thinking or feeling into words. But I just thought I'd give this a go, so this will be a place for me to put my thoughts whenever I feel like it now and again..I don't expect it to make much sense to anyone else, if anyone were to ever read this. But maybe it could help me figure out things I would like.
I'm not exactly sure if it did that or not this time, but maybe that will take time and will come later.
I'm just..."homesick for a place that doesn't exist."
